LAUGHS & GIGGLES
New! Best â€œOut of Officeâ€ Automatic e-mail Replies
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldnâ€™t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but Iâ€™m at the doctorâ€™s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over...)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, Iâ€™m thinking about what youâ€™ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. Iâ€™ve run away to join a different circus.
New! How to Interpret Employment Ads
â€œCompetitive Salaryâ€ - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
â€œJoin Our Fast Paced Companyâ€ - We have no time to train you.
â€œCasual Work Atmosphereâ€ - We donâ€™t pay enough to expect that you will dress up.
â€œMust be Deadline Orientedâ€ - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
â€œSome Overtime Requiredâ€ - Some time each night, some time each weekend.
â€œDuties will Varyâ€ - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
â€œMust have an Eye for Detailâ€ - We have no quality control.
â€œSeeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experienceâ€ - You will need to replace three people who just left.
â€œProblem Solving Skills a Mustâ€ - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Havenâ€™t heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.
â€œRequires Team Leadership Skillsâ€ - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
â€œGood Communication Skillsâ€ - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.
New! Iâ€™ve sure gotten old!
Iâ€™ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer anddiabetes.
Iâ€™m half blind, canâ€™t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Canâ€™t remember if Iâ€™m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driverâ€™s license.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the great little 13-year-old kid from next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a few buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, â€œSo, what was wrong?â€ He replied, â€œIt was an ID-ten-T error.â€
I didnâ€™t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, â€œAn ID-ten-T error? Whatâ€™s that? In case I need to fix it again.â€
Richard grinned. . . â€œHavenâ€™t you ever heard of an ID-ten-T error before?â€
â€œNo,â€ I replied. â€œWrite it down,â€ he said, â€œand I think youâ€™ll figure it out.â€
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ... I used to like the little creep.
An old Italian guy lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I wonâ€™t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. Iâ€™m getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Donâ€™t dig up that garden. Thatâ€™s where the bodies are buried.
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. Later, that same day the old man received a telegram from his son.
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. Thatâ€™s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, VinnieNext month, Ann and I are off to Italy for 10 days, leaving November 1, and returning from Italy via a 33-day cruise, ending in Ft. Lauderdale on December 13. Iâ€™m sure this will be our last trip to Europe, with the chaotic financial situation, but this is what we have learned over the years from traveling econo-class and studying hotel and resort brochures:
Old world charm â€¦ means â€¦ No bath in your room
Tropical â€¦ means â€¦ Rainy
Majestic setting â€¦ means â€¦ A long way from town
Options galore â€¦ means â€¦ Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway â€¦ means â€¦ Impossible to find or get to, even by local bus
Pre-registered rooms â€¦ means â€¦ Already occupied when you arrive
Explore on your own â€¦ means â€¦ Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts â€¦ means â€¦ Theyâ€™ve flown in an airplane before
No extra fees â€¦ means â€¦ No extras
Nominal fee â€¦ means â€¦ Outrageous charge
Standard â€¦ means â€¦ Sub-standard
Deluxe â€¦ means â€¦ Standard
Superior â€¦ means â€¦ One free shower cap
Cozy â€¦ means â€¦ Really small
All the amenities â€¦ means â€¦ Â½ oz. of free lotion in room, Dennyâ€™s coffee shop a half-mile away
Plush â€¦ means â€¦ Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes â€¦ means â€¦ Occasional Gale-force winds (Florida and the Gulf coast)
Light and airy â€¦ means â€¦ No air conditioning
Picturesque â€¦ means â€¦ Theme park nearby
Concierge â€¦ means â€¦ A little stand in the lobby with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast â€¦ means â€¦ Free muffin and imitation orange drink
ABBY WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER!
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust.. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence,
he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo.
Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.
He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.
Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember. These people can vote...
Directions to NA: Just go straight to hell and make a u-turn.
NA: Being a part of something is more important that being the center of attention.
NA is the only place where you can walk into a room full of strangers and reminisce.
NA romance.... the odds are good... but the goods are odd.
NA: Look for a way in; not for a way out.
NA: We are not reformed drug userss, but informed addicts.
NA has no fixed address -- you can take it with you.
NA: We are here for a reason, not for the season
NA Groups: A NA group will be judged by the worst behavior of its members
Before I came to NA I was dead, but did not know enough to lie down.
In NA there are no losers -- just slow winners
Addict (as defined by self): A piece of crap that the universe revolves around.
Addict: Someone who refuses to give up a life of failure without a fight.
Addict: A person who when s/he goes to a wedding, wants to be the bride and when she/he
goes to a funeral, wants to be the corpse.
An addict is someone who wants to be held while isolating.
Addict: "I may not be much, but I'm all I think about."
Addict: "If I could use like a normal addict, I'd use all the time!"
Addicts burn their bridges in front of them.
An addict is someone who finds something that works and then stops doing it.
If you think that you are an addict, chances are you are.
An addict is a person with two feet planted firmly in mid-air.
Non-addicts change their behavior to meet their goals; addicts change their goals to meet their behavior.
An addict can be in the gutter and still look down on people.
High bottoms have trap doors
If the cure works, chances are you have the disease.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back. That student got his test back and $64 change.
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a shop much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign that said BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read:
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waitress came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, â€œMeat loaf and a kind word.â€
When the waitress returned with the meat loaf, the man said, â€œOkay, so whereâ€™s the kind word?â€
The waitress put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, â€œDonâ€™t eat the meat loaf.â€
- When your dad is mad and asks you, â€œDo I look stupid?â€ Donâ€™t answer.
- Never tell your Mom her dietâ€™s not working.
- Stay away from prunes.
- Donâ€™t pull Dadâ€™s finger when he tells you to.
- Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Donâ€™t pick on your sister when sheâ€™s holding a baseball bat.
- When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when sheâ€™s on the phone.
â€œIf you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?â€
Vinny raised his hand and answered, â€œOne dollar.â€
The teacher shook her head. â€œYou donâ€™t know your math.â€
Vinny replied, â€œYou donâ€™t know my father.â€
Creative Puns for Educated Minds:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthurâ€™s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. Thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, itâ€™ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, â€œYou stay here; Iâ€™ll go on a head.â€
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: â€œKeep off the Grass.â€
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, â€œNo change yet.â€
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. A backward poet writes inverse.
20. In democracy itâ€™s your vote that counts. In feudalism itâ€™s your count that votes.
20 Tons of Canaries
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Future Baseball Star
This is cute and also an example of positive thinking
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard,
wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
"Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.